Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
