I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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