Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
