My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
