u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
