I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
