you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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