I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
