Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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