ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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