Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
