my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
