My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
