Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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