I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
