you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
