i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
