I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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