I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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