I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
