Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize