And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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