guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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