I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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