oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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