This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
