hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
