i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
