I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
