I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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