It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
