when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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