She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize