He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
