I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
