i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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