dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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