I can text with my tongue
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
