she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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