You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
