some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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