I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I had to cum in my sink.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
