My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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