my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
