I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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