I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
