Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
