His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
