Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
