Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
