Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Green mimosas i think yes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
