Sry I called you an 8
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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