The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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