Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
