You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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