he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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