Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
